I wish I was the type who could just hook up without any emotional attachment. Really, I do. It would make life a lot easier. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. For the men in my life? Yes. For me? Not so much.
I’ll be honest. Every time I fool around with a guy I’m legitimately attracted to, I start to develop feelings for them. It’s disgusting (not really, but it can be frustrating). It would be nice if I could simply have a man in my life I could sleep with on occasions without developing any kind of feelings. They can do it, so why can’t I?
Because I’m relationship-oriented. The joke is that I’m never in a relationship. So, for one, I haven’t ever had a boyfriend because I don’t feel as if a boyfriend is what I need at this particular stage in life. As if that isn’t enough, I also can’t just have someone to sleep around with. Why? Because I start envisioning what it would be like if we were to date — even though these men are always the type to hardly even think about me during the day. The only time they think about me is when they need to relieve themselves.
I don’t get it. Am I just supposed to be alone AND unable to sleep with men, too? Am I to be celibate until I feel it’s time to have a relationship? Apparently. Otherwise, I’m going to be getting my hopes up for a bunch of emotionally-unavailable men. Over, and over, and over again.
So, what’s the answer? I don’t know. I will always love myself, but sometimes, I’d like to turn off the ability to have feelings for a man who doesn’t even know my name. I guess I’ll just ride this out, like I’ve done my entire life.
The answer will come. I’m sure of it. Until next time. Kisses.
