Wow, Dear Readers. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? A lot has changed in my life since the last time you saw me.
One of the most important developments: I’ve officially decided to quit my job. Yes, the one I acquired while being here in NYC. On paper, it didn’t make sense for me to quit this job, as it provided a steady flow of income and allowed me to move into an apartment all my own. Unfortunately, it took me away from all the things that make me happy (theatre, writing, drag). In fact, one of the reasons you haven’t heard from me for so long is because I had to prioritize this job to the point that I disregarded what I actually wanted to do with my life. All I was focused on was staying above water financially in NYC. The scary part is that I didn’t even know the full extent of it until a few months ago.
That’s the odd thing about some “safe jobs”. They lure you into a sense of security, while subsequently making you forget about your dreams little by little. When you finally muster the courage to think about it head-on, you tell yourself, “It’s not that bad. At least I have a job.” It’s not until you’re coming home day after day, exhausted and spent, that you realize that maybe there’s something off here.
I started realizing that my every single day was occupied by this job, even after I clocked out. I couldn’t make myself disengage. So, I took time off, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t even feel comfortable doing that for fear that I wouldn’t hit numbers. So, I engaged in the vicious cycle of going months on end without taking any days off, which isn’t healthy. On top of all that, I never felt like I had the mental bandwidth to do anything else on my days off other than recover from the constant onslaught of having to be engaged every day I was working. But again and again, I told myself, “It’s not that bad. At least you have a job.”
I will take accountability for hyping up certain parts of this job in my head and even disregarding my own mental health. I SHOULD have given myself more grace when I messed up, and I SHOULD have asked for more help so that I wasn’t taking on more than I could handle. However, I nonetheless started to feel like I couldn’t even give time to the things that attracted me to NYC in the first place, as my entire mental bandwidth and energy supply was going toward this job. After almost a year and a half, I couldn’t even remember the last time I had done a single passion project simply because I wanted to, and that was a problem.
If a job (or anything, for that matter) causes you to lose yourself, that core thing that makes you a blessing to others, it definitely isn’t worth it. Because if it gets to the point that you no longer recognize yourself, that’s probably a sign that that job doesn’t even respect you as a person at all.
Let me get another thing clear: I’m not saying that there is a perfect job out there without any stress at all. I’m also not saying that one should quit their job if they get overly exhausted because of it. Those are natural parts of any job. What I AM saying is that if your job keeps you from pursuing what actually gets you out of bed every day to the point that you’re disregarding a key part of who you are, THAT’S when you should reassess if that job is really worth losing yourself over.
For me, that meant leaving, and thankfully, I had the room to do so. I realize not everyone has that option due to family responsibilities and other expenses outside of their control. What I hope everyone gleans from this article is that one should never ever prioritize anything so much that it forces you to give up what gets you out of bed in the morning-that dream, that passion project. Because those are the things that make you, you. Those are the things that make life worth living.
Maybe you feel like you’re already past the point of no return. If that’s the case, I’ll tell you this right now-it isn’t too late to choose yourself. It’s never too late to take a tiny step in the direction of your dreams. You can still change your circumstances. You can still create the reality of your choosing. All you have to do is try.
I am very happy and at peace for the first time in months. Don’t get me wrong. I have never stopped loving my life in NYC. I simply veered off my path and needed to realign. Now that I’m doing that again, I feel as if I can finally pursue writing and performing seriously again. Because if we’re being honest, that’s the person I am. I’m meant to write and act and sing and dance. I’m a creative. I’m meant to create, so that’s what I’m going to do. If that means that I have to do a few odd-end jobs here and there to have the mental capacity to do so, so be it. I’d much rather have four jobs and be at peace than do one job and lose myself in the process.
Thank you for taking the time to read my updates. I can finally say that there will be more in the near future. After all, I have to catch everyone up with the last year’s worth of NYC adventures. It’s sure to be interesting.
Until next time, Dear Readers! Love to all.
